When you consider your life, your future, your goals – do you see yourself alone or alongside a man who you love? Do you have friends in your present life that you can see yourself hanging out with in the future?
Do you spend your time in solitude – do you enjoy it?
After all, we all seem to wander about on our own, looking for companionship, love, and a sense of independence. There is a certain pride that comes from figuring life out on your own.
And there is a deep, satisfying comfort that comes when you find someone to figure out life with.
The day a man appears before you and seems to capture your attention can be daunting.
On one hand, you have a potential companion that will give you the intimacy you crave. Plus, the benefits of not being alone and having a partner are steep. Who would ever turn that down?
On the other hand, you could end up with a guy who seems good on the surface, but, is not a guy you want to spend your time with.
Stay with me now, dear reader. And ask yourself these questions when you are considering dating him.
Are you attracted to him?
Attraction is so important in any relationship that deems it so. If you are a sexual, sensual person who needs the physical benefits in a relationship – you have got to be honest.
Do you feel desire for him? Can you see yourself kissing, having sex, cuddling, and holding hands with him?
That’s a box you can check off – you might be a little lonely, but at least he’s desirable to you.
Well – that’s not so great.
Why are you ignoring the signals to your body? Are you so insistent on making a relationship work to not be alone that you forgo your own needs?
If so – you have to dial it back and let that boy go.
Are you secure in your relationship with him?
So, first –
This guy you are dating or crushing on, is he someone you picked because of his proximity to you?
Let me explain –
Is this just a guy who lives nearby so it’s easy to see him?
Is it a guy who shares a specific hobby, like video games, with you – so you thought it was enough to build a relationship?
If the two of you were to engage in long-distance, or if you decided to pursue a new hobby – would it put a strain on your relationship? Would you be able to talk and engage with him anymore?
If the answer is yes then congratulations, you have an actual bond with this guy.
If this answer is you’re not sure, or, no then – chances are your entire relationship is based on a shallow topic.
Here’s another scenario –
If you find yourself looking at other guys and finding crushes, or comparing him to them then you might have a problem.
And if he compares you to other girls, that’s an issue too.
Being secure in having feelings for someone means your thoughts might bounce around now and then to others, but they always have a firm foundation on your partner. Being in love with someone means being dedicated.
Can you do that?
Are you often looking for ways to be around people?
So, let’s say that you ARE lonely. That’s a completely valid feeling to have.
However, acting on loneliness before jumping into an ill-fitting relationship is not as valid.
If you lack friends, find a way to make friends. Join a club, class, a Facebook group where you ask people to meet up, a running group, etc. There are so many ways to meet people and connect –
Hitching yourself to a guy to stay afloat in the social realm is not a great solution to your loneliness.
After all, the guy might have friends he wants to hang out with. And if you are battling feeling alone, that can turn into you being clingy and having to always be with him.
And vice versa.
It’s not healthy. Look for other ways to appease your loneliness.
Are you fighting off the task of working on yourself?
This question ties into the one above but it focuses more on you.
Just because you may feel lonely does not mean you have failed, are boring, or in need of some guy to make everything better.
Have you tried group therapy?
Have you considered channeling that loneliness into trying a new hobby?
Have you done something outside of your usual routines to disrupt the flow of your lonely schedule?
It can be scary to do new things on your own – but it can be empowering, too. Not to mention that when you join classes, groups, etc. other people tend to turn up and see you, join you, and soon get to know you.
And if you decide to join a bird-watching club – maybe you’ll meet someone in that club to be friends with – or heck, even date!
Are you communicating with him about what you both want?
After having asked yourself all the hard questions – you’ve decided that maybe you do like this guy.
But you have some reservations.
You need to talk to him and understand what his mindset is about the relationship you two are in. If you see eye-to-eye and can talk through any doubts or unanswered questions, then maybe you’ll see this guy is for you.
Ask him about his future dreams, how he feels about you, and what the two of you can get into to have fun.
It’s okay to ask questions. And if he has an issue with you asking questions –
Then he may not be the one.
Are you ready for a real relationship?
On the flip side of that, maybe once you start talking to him you’ll realize you’re not ready for a deeper commitment.
If the two of you agree on being friends with benefits only, then that’s your decision.
If he hints at marriage, family, a whole future – and your mouth goes dry, it might be time to cut him loose.
Because while you might be lonely enough to settle for something short-term, he could be deeply in love only to be strung along.
And no matter what your level of feelings are for him – have enough respect to not waste his time.
In the end, you really must consider your desires, his feelings, and what the future holds. It can be scary to be alone but in the words of Robin Williams –
“I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone.”